So, like always, I do things backwards.  Unlike "normal" people, I'm terrified of the idea of being heterosexual.  I don't go to quite this extreme, but it's almost as though I include "please god, don't let me like boys" in my daily prayers.

To top it off, I'm feeling quite like a whore these days.  I'm kind of liking this boy named Benny, and we've hung out a few times.  Well, no, to be exact, we have hung out twice.  The first time we had coffee.  The second time we had sex.  I'm just really not sure how I feel about that.  He in no way pressured me into it.  He's a virgin.  (and, okay, for the record, we did not have "vaginal intercourse", so he still considers himself a virgin.  We just had a lot of other kinds of sex.)

Then there's Justin.  He's super fun and all, and him and I have been having partially anonymous sex for probably a year now.  I'm thinking that after so long I can't consider it to be anonymous any more.  We just get together and have sex.  That's it.  We'd have a lot more of it if either of us had the time.  It's quite a shame, cause we don't.

Top it off, Drea.  We've hung out, again, magic number, twice.  First time was on Monday when she showed up at the NA meeting of which I am the secretary.  It was her first time there, and she asked to hang out with Alex and I afterward.  Following the spirit of the program, of course we said yes.  I asked her, completely innocently if she'd like to come with me to a Trans 12 step meeting on Tuesday.  She said yes, but then never called me to go, and the bus came and left.  Later on in the evening, she stalked me down on campus and then trailed me around for quite some time following.  Then asked if she could sleep over because "she didn't want to take the bus home in the dark."  Yeah, completely innocent.  Yeah, I'm a complete sucker and said alright.  And of course she had motives and of course I gave into them.  How many people can I have sex with in a day?  Should we see if I can do them all in a 24 hour period?

Lastly, at least I hope lastly, there's Pharoh, who I've managed to get to fall madly in love with me.  A couple of months back we did some fooling around, had sex a couple of times and then decided that it was against most of our program rules for us to be doing that since I only had a couple months of sobriety and so on, and so now he just texts me messages about how he can't get me out of his dreams.  Wonderful.  Lets all get together and have one big orgy.

Three of four and male bodied, male identified individuals.  Drea, the lady of the bunch.... well, I guess I could just say that I didn't enjoy sex with her at all!  To an upsetting degree!  It was mundane, it was boring, it was the thoughts going through my head of "Yep.  And now you are gonna eat me out.  Great. And now you've got your fingers inside me.  Lovely."  It was scripted and expected and completely unenjoyable.  That frightens me.  To a degree that I don't even know how to express.  I'm supposed to be a lesbian.  I'm supposed to be a lesbian.  I'm supposed to like people with vaginas who like vaginas.  I don't feel comfortable with the idea that I'm a person with a vagina who likes people without vaginas who likes to stick their who-who-dilly up inside me.

But I do like that who-who-dilly up inside me.

And I'm using the term "who-who-dilly" for penis because I can't get over my own heterophobia.

I don't even want to post this because it embarrases me.

I'm feeling like a whore and like when I call in to get my STD results on Friday, I pretty well deserve to be pregnant or have herpes or something because I sure haven't been acting in ways in which I would be avoiding such consequences.  Oliver, I need you to come teach a refresher course.

le sigh.

Background: Yuliya Marie Konenko meets first born son in a homeless shelter, her as a resident, him as staff. Heavy Russian accent, as she is a firsts generation immigrant.

 

Demetri? Demetri- it is you! My beautiful boy. I am your mader. I know, I know, you not know you have madre, but I am, and I know it is you. [beat] Vat? Your name Yon? [Jon] Why you take american name that I cannnot say? Yon. Okay. Yon. You not have to believe me. I know, you work with crazy lady all day long, but I know you are my son. And I ask you, please, please yust listen to me. Let me tell you the story. Okay.

 

[distant] I start at beginning.

 

My name Yuliya Marie Konenko. I come to America when I have 18 years old. Now, I am, well, I am old enough to know better than to answer that question. You were three years when I leave Russia. And I leave you with Yena. She really is good woman. She raise me too. Very hard but very good woman. And I have chance to go to America, land of free and promises. The man to take me say I can not bring anyone wit me. Yust me. Yena take you in, promise to care to you, and I promise send money and to bring you back wit me. [broken pause as Y. tries not to cry] She not tell you I send money? [struggles] Okay. Okay.

 

Well. I get to America, and I learn I have wit child. My son, your brahder, Marcus, very good boy. So beautiful. He grow up so strong and go to university and study... trains. He has work very long name. And den, 4 years after, Rosie is born. [exclamation!] What a riot that girl?! She do crazy things. She git it from her mader. She grow up and smoke cigarretes and tell me she in love wit a woman. A woman! I know. Silly tings happen in dis America country. But, Yanette [Jeanette] treat her very good and I like her. Rosie not know how much I love her even wit her, the word lesbian, that right word? Yes.

 

So, Marcus, and Rosie. And Yanette. You, you have family in da world. And me! I am here. So, my babies grow up and move away. Rosie go to California, where the women love women and the men love men [offhandedly]...strange things... and Marcus, I tink he in Montana. Making trains. [smile] I find out from bastard landlord “Juan” who speak no English. None at all! I say to him, though it not matter at all, but I say, you in America sir. You need learn langauge of america. I not know language very good, but I learning. [growls] and he has bastard woman who he yell at all day and all night. Something about sandwich and telefono. I not know. So, I learn from bastard Juan that even when you are old like me and you have no work as old woman, you still have to give money to him, every month. No break! Well, I yust could not do that, so one day police man (very handsome man too!) come to door and hand me orangecolor paper say that I evict from apartment. It was new word for me, so I ask handsome policeman for help and he give me number for cigarrete shelter. Yeah, yeah, I know it called Harbor Lite, but it sound just like something Rosie would be smoking! That girl. So, I go, and there are 22... yes, 22 woman who sleep in cigarrete building at night, oh, well, you know dis part, you work here. I not know such a place was in this world of America. It like a Yena for more than yust me, and then you. Is that why you work here? You are such a great boy. And I want you to know that I love you so so much.

 

[reaches forward as if for D's hand]

Beautiful fingers. Strong. And ring? You have woman at home? You treat her right now, yes? Good. Demitri? I know you angry. And you have every right in da world to be angry at me. But I know in your heart you know it is me. Your mader. So please. Demitri. Can you help me?

{END}

 Sometimes, I guess, I just don't know what to say.

She had already spoken to her husband and kids about it.  She told me that if I was willing to take a risk, and to live in a dorm, or go out on a limb and explore all of my options, that if I needed a place to stay during breaks or weekends or holidays or whatever, that I could stay with her and her family. How do you accept kindness from others?  How do just listen to the compliments of someone else and not try to justify them all by yelling "I cheated on the terms quiz!  Sometimes I skip your class just because I know you won't mind."  She told me about how highly she thinks of me.  I'm scared that because she only knows parts of my story that if she just knew all of it.... if she just knew how much of a terrible person I am.  If she just knew how much Jesus she has shining through her right now.  I... can't even sit here and write without crying.  I thought about going and ranting this out with Ms. Zollar, but I can already hear her voice in my head. "You are an exteremly special person and Ms. Caine thinks the world of you.  Of course she would say that, she has never encountered anyone like you before."  I guess, it just is so complicated to think about the idea of other people actually wanting good things to happen to me.  Amanda driving me downtown and buying me and lock so that she would know I was safe that night.  The Balbo's coming and picking me up at 9 at night so that I could stay at their house, so that I would know that I was safe.  Ms Caine, asking her family if I could stay with them.  Linda.  Aria and Bailey.  Zollar.  

I guess, I've just never experienced Love Without Strings, and I don't know how to handle it.

I like livejournal better live, not dead.

I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.

So I've decided I'm moving home.

Tell you all about it soon.

Hey y'all.

Just wanted to say hi.  Let you know that  I really haven't fallen off the face of the earth (except I really have).  I'm doing alright.  Just got out of the hospital.  Turns out a medcaton that I was on causes lactation in high doses, so I had to go change my antipyscotic medicaton.  That was fun- well actually it was hell, but you know.

The group home is fine.  Don't want to live there, but I don't want to live anywhere else either.

Having knee surgery in a month or so.  That's going to suck, but hopefully it will make me better.

That's all the time I have now.

Miss you all (especially my A&B)

Hope you are doing well.

Texting me is the best way to get ahold of me: 612-998-1928


Love always.

I got sir'ed on the bus yesterday. 

And I wasn't even trying.

And it was kinda fantastic.

I love pronouns. :)

"Don't enemy, crow over me.  I'm down, but I'm not out.  I'm sitting in the dark right now, but God is my light.  I can take God's punishing.  I deserve it - I sinned. But its not forever.  He's on my side and is going to get me out of this.  He'll turn on the lights and show me his ways.  I'll see the whole picture and how right he is."
Micah 7:8-10

I want "my prayers and hopes to have deep roots in reality."
Philipians 1:7

Wow. This Bible is alive.  I've gotta read this more often.  I just open up to random pages and I'm engrossed in it all.

Fabulous.

Rachel Solberg is PMSing.  She's not just a jerk.  That completely explains it.

I found a nice spot to sit near the water, leaning against an old tree.  I love just the sound of the water gently knocing against the shore and the wind rustling the leaves.  Dave is playing the harmonica somewhere off in the distance.  It feels lonely.

Today we did a 233 rod portage of death from Canoe Lake to Pine Lake.  The portage went straight uphill and straight down and then did that again.  A few times it got swampy and we had to walk across a 2x4, one foot over another for 100 feet of so.  The entire thing was just ridiculous.  Somewhere through it I paused for a moment to catch my breath and I realized that I was shaking uncontrollably.  Another time I stopped and was immediately attacked by a hoard of mosquitoes.  I verbally cried out "Go away!" and cried a bit more.  But I went in with a plan.  I knew I would never make it on my own and I needed God to walk with me through it.  So I started out all happy and content, asking God to bless this path and my body that is walking it and the food I was carrying.  As I went on, I realized more and more that I just needed to feel God walking with me, encouraging me along.  There were moments when I cried out to God asking Hir to take and share my yolk because I couldn't go it alone.  My endless mantra was "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."  I just really needed to believe that.  That portage of death is just like life, but in a very physical representation.  As we walk through life, we carry huge heavy burdens on our backs, and sometimes on our fronts too when we need to, in the Boundary Waters known as "double packing it".  Our burdens are never light, and often, like the food I was carrying, it's necessary to some extent.  Things are going great and you feel like you don't need any help and then Bam!- suddenly you are walking uphill.  So of course, in addition to all the stressors that you are already carrying - work, the kids, family, school, so on, life has thrown at you this added challenge to fight - sickness, changes, death, car trouble, anything that adds to your weight.  You lean on your walking stick or canoe paddle- your partner, your close friend for support to keep you going, and yet you still sigh under all the weight, and that stick can't hold everything.  Sometimes we stop to take a breath nd we are so shaken emotionally that we don't know if things will ever return to normal, if I will ever be okay again?  But then there is a flat patch in life where day to day is easy enough to manage and everything is okay again.  Until you reach the decline, which should be easier than uphill right?  But instead we are stepping precariously around the rocks, trying not to trip, stepping around employers, parent, trying not to say the wrong thing.  Somewhere along this ever cycling path, God steps in and says "Hey, can I take some of the weight of your shoulders? Let me share the yolk."  I know for me its a constant thing that zie reminds me, "whoops, you are trying to do things on your own again, and look how much you are struggling..." And eventually, the hills seem to get smaller cause the Big Guy is in charge of your step-by-step.  God is there when I am crying in agony that I just can't do it anymore.  Zie's there whispering "Keep on my child." But almost more importantly, Zie's there with every step if you recognize Hir carrying Zie's undeserved side of the yolk, coaching you on at your side.  "Just take a step at a time.  We've got this together. You are doing so well my child."  When you are walking in line with God, each steps seems to get you farther, and you come out of the hills in your life stronger, and having something to share and help others with- even if you are stiill shaking through the end of it.

BWCA Departure Date: Saturday July 26

Ephesians 1:11
"It's in Christ that we find out who wer are and what we are living for... It's in Christ that you, once you heard the truth and believed it, found yourselves home free, signed, sealed, and delivered by the Holy Spirit."

Jason Nygren gave his faith talk this evening.  We arrived in the BWCA and came in East Bear Lake, covered Adler and ended on Canoe Lake for tonight.  It feels really great to be here.  But, I really don't feel like writing, so I'll talk tomorrow during quiet time.

Goodnight Dear Friend,
Veronica

People need something or someone to fasten themselves to in order to reassure themselves that they are real.
Ani DiFranco

I need something or someone to fasten myself to.

The more I get to know myself, and come to terms with identities, the more I'm not afraid to make a fool of myself.

I went to a hip hop dance class yesterday.  I was the only white chic there.  I wore a skirt and my super man shirt, and I was rocking out.  I felt great, and I'm sure I made a fool of myself, but I participated and I felt good.  And I didn't care what anyone else thought about me.

And I felt like a strong, beautiful woman.  Those were the exact words that went through my mind at the end of class.

The Big Read thinks the average adult has only read six of the top 100 books they've printed below. Huh. I think I know a lot of un-average adults, and I think it's funny that I'm above the average adult while still being considered a kid.

I've read 35 of them.

01. Look at the list and bold those you have read.
02. Italicise those you intend to read
03. Underline the books you LOVE.
04. Reprint this list in your own LJ so we can try and track down these people who've only read 6 and force books upon them.

I’ve resolved that 3 days concentrated family time requires a make up of 3 months of therapy. Had I forgotten at any time my extreme need to be out of there, it was definitely renewed this weekend.

It didn’t go terribly (I’m still here by the way, storing this entry on my laptop word processor. It’s 9:46 on Sunday night). Had we not been so busy it would have been a lot more stressful. There were errands to run. Floors to sweep and clean and vacuum and sweep again (blessings of a dog). Dishes and beds and rooms and touch ups on paint. It was crazy. But it was wonderfully done. My mom never lost her head and it went flawlessly.

I think today was harder for me than yesterday. The things that needed to be completed were less concrete, especially after the party started. I’m not sure I would make a good host. And it’s hard for me to be around so much family, I’m not sure why. I don’t think I’ve always been that way, but more recently it causes a lot of anxiety in me. This morning I sang with the old ladies in church choir. I wore this nice black skirt of my mother’s and her shoes too. I was feeling pretty snazzy, never once felt self-conscious, I just felt cute. I think I pretty well surprised my mother, even though I shared with her my last big epiphany lj entry. I guess what probably surprised her the most is how much hair I’ve managed to grow. It made her a little bit uncomfortable, and I caught her staring a few times. I just laughed and forced her back into conversation.

I thought I’d be able to get away with wearing the same thing for the party as I wore to church. It was nice, and I looked cute, and it was good. I felt good before people started arriving. And then people started arriving, and I no longer felt as good. Halfway through I did go and put pants on. I almost put my binder back on too. I felt really weird being so unsheltered. It fascinates me that with the people I’m supposed to feel most comfortable, I feel the most scared. Also, the last time I’ve been around that much family was Christmas celebrations. I was out on a visit from the hospital at the time. I still kind of feel the way I did then, mildly crazy and not quite in control of all of my vital life skills.

Holly was here today with one of her friends. Holly is several years older than me, and a cousin (once removed?) or something. She’s one of those people that freak me out because of their personality, but I’m drawn to them as well. I guess she’s pretty well followed my life story through the years, and we’ve been making some similar mistakes. She doesn’t want to see me go down in the same ways she did, and while she isn’t unhappy with the way things are going in her life, she wants more for me. She sounds like my mother. At least Holly hasn’t given up on her dreams like my mother did. Holly is still fighting.

I saw a lot of family today. For the first time I think I realized that my family consists of closeted queers and trailer trash pregnant mothers or impregnators. And they all claim that in this moment they are in love, and they’ve found the one, and they are going to get married (someday), and oh look! Another kid. We celebrated Ryan’s graduation from high school today. He’s the youngest of four boys from a crack head mother. He’s the first of his entire family (including biological parents and siblings and their current and former spouses) to graduate from high school. He even plans on continuing to college. This graduation was a big deal.
And yet, his brothers keep on reproducing. They’ve made nothing for themselves, no name, no money, no real life career, and they are bringing more lives into the world. I have two words for the majority of the party today: Birth control. Have all the sex you want, but please, you aren’t equipped to bring life to this planet. Drug dealing is not a career you want to support your family on.

I think Holly is a lesbian. I just saw it today, and I’m not sure why I haven’t seen it before. I’ve never heard of her having a boyfriend, in all of my life knowing her. Never. I think the female friend she brought along today might have been her girlfriend. It could happen.

I think number one thing that would drive me insane about living her would be the computer, or just my communication with the rest of the world, which is the majority of my existence. I’m not allowed on the computer, especially if I’m chatting (not being allowed to vent is freaking me out a little bit). Any amount of time on the computer is just inappropriate for some reason in Tom’s eyes. (Never mind the fact that both kids spend probably 4 hours between them on the internet playing games) The phone is another issue. Can’t use it without causing problems. And then most of my friends my parents don’t agree with. They appear to like me as a person, they would just rather I be like their other kids and spend 6 hours in front of the television instead of meet people and expand my brain and all that good stuff.

I’m not sure what to tell Jay about me and my gender. Just like I’m not quite sure where to start with Jem and everything. I guess I just want to let Jay know that I’m not his average trans person, and that I will, on occasion, where a dress, or not bind, or something of that nature. If he thinks that would cause problems among the roommate population, then I’ll wait for the single room, if not, then, well, then we don’t have a problem.

Oh, another random problem. I went to pick up my pre-surgery prescription on Friday. My insurance was denied. I’ve been placed on Medical Assistance for the time being, but I should call my insurance company on Monday to get the details. I’m really worried that with the thousand dollar charge for the HIV medication, they just cut me off, and I’m going to be without insurance now. I’m really worried. And then, is this something I’m going to be able to fix, or is my mom going to find out? From me or them? Is my surgery tomorrow going to be covered? These are all questions that I don’t get answers to for awhile, but they still are on my mind.

If you've got any of these songs in your musical collection, please send them along to my email (firetruck@frozenactivist.net)

Jennifer Knapp "Hold Me Now"
Brandon Heath "I'm Not Who I Was"
Skillet "The Last Night"
Michelle Tumes "Far"
Kirk Frankilin/ Mary J. Blige "Lean on Me"
Monk and Neagle 'The Twenty-First Time" - but really anything by Monk&Neagle  (They are so fantastic)

And some lyrics I've fallen in love with:

Nowhere to live, nowhere to fall
He used to have money, but he’s wasted it all.
His face is a photograph burned in my mind,
but I pretend not to see him for the twenty-first time

He sleeps under stars, that’s all he can afford
His blanket’s an old coat he’s had since the war
He stands on the corner of Carter and Vine
But I pretend not to see him for the twenty-first time

He may be a drifter, he’s grown old and gray
But what if he’s Jesus and I walk away?
I say I’m the body and drink of the wine
but I pretend not to see him for the twenty-first time

She’s twenty-nine but she feels forty-eight
She can’t raise three kids on minimum wage
She’s cryin’ in back of the welfare line
but I pretend not to see her for the twenty-first time

She may be a stranger tryin’ to get through the day
but what if it’s Jesus and I walk away?
I say I’m the body and drink of the wine
but I pretend not to see her for the twenty-first time

This is a call for a change in my heart
I realize that I’ve not been doin’ my part
when I needed a Savior, I found it in Him
He gave to me, now I’ll give back to them

Drifter or stranger, father or son
I’ll look for Jesus in every one
’cause I am the body and drink of the wine
and I’m thankful there’s more than the twenty-first time

The Twenty-First Time Lyrics Monk & Neagle Song Words

Single Song Words by Artist / Band : Monk & Neagle
Song Lyrics Title : The Twenty-First Time

Bill turned on some music, and Bill and I have scarily similar music tastes.  Music is therapeutic.  I've known this in my mental health, but I don't know how much I've ever believed that it relieves pain or whatnot.  I've been sick to my stomach all day, sitting on the computer in the quiet house.  I went from nauseous to having a vaguely upset stomach with the music turned on.  This is good.

doc was right.  this medication makes me sick to my stomach.  I wish it didn't.  I wish I didn't have to pretend that I wasn't sick and could just be miserable.

Ronnie Baker
Ronnie Baber
Ronnie Bathurst
Ronnie Collins
Ronnie Eaton
Ronnie Faden
Ronnie Heaton