Finding Pieces of Myself

Boys

2009-11-05T02:21:47Z

So, like always, I do things backwards. Unlike "normal" people, I'm terrified of the idea of being heterosexual. I don't go to quite this extreme, but it's almost as though I include "please god, don't let me like boys" in my daily prayers.

To top it off, I'm feeling quite like a whore these days. I'm kind of liking this boy named Benny, and we've hung out a few times. Well, no, to be exact, we have hung out twice. The first time we had coffee. The second time we had sex. I'm just really not sure how I feel about that. He in no way pressured me into it. He's a virgin. (and, okay, for the record, we did not have "vaginal intercourse", so he still considers himself a virgin. We just had a lot of other kinds of sex.)

Then there's Justin. He's super fun and all, and him and I have been having partially anonymous sex for probably a year now. I'm thinking that after so long I can't consider it to be anonymous any more. We just get together and have sex. That's it. We'd have a lot more of it if either of us had the time. It's quite a shame, cause we don't.

Top it off, Drea. We've hung out, again, magic number, twice. First time was on Monday when she showed up at the NA meeting of which I am the secretary. It was her first time there, and she asked to hang out with Alex and I afterward. Following the spirit of the program, of course we said yes. I asked her, completely innocently if she'd like to come with me to a Trans 12 step meeting on Tuesday. She said yes, but then never called me to go, and the bus came and left. Later on in the evening, she stalked me down on campus and then trailed me around for quite some time following. Then asked if she could sleep over because "she didn't want to take the bus home in the dark." Yeah, completely innocent. Yeah, I'm a complete sucker and said alright. And of course she had motives and of course I gave into them. How many people can I have sex with in a day? Should we see if I can do them all in a 24 hour period?

Lastly, at least I hope lastly, there's Pharoh, who I've managed to get to fall madly in love with me. A couple of months back we did some fooling around, had sex a couple of times and then decided that it was against most of our program rules for us to be doing that since I only had a couple months of sobriety and so on, and so now he just texts me messages about how he can't get me out of his dreams. Wonderful. Lets all get together and have one big orgy.

Three of four and male bodied, male identified individuals. Drea, the lady of the bunch.... well, I guess I could just say that I didn't enjoy sex with her at all! To an upsetting degree! It was mundane, it was boring, it was the thoughts going through my head of "Yep. And now you are gonna eat me out. Great. And now you've got your fingers inside me. Lovely." It was scripted and expected and completely unenjoyable. That frightens me. To a degree that I don't even know how to express. I'm supposed to be a lesbian. I'm supposed to be a lesbian. I'm supposed to like people with vaginas who like vaginas. I don't feel comfortable with the idea that I'm a person with a vagina who likes people without vaginas who likes to stick their who-who-dilly up inside me.

But I do like that who-who-dilly up inside me.

And I'm using the term "who-who-dilly" for penis because I can't get over my own heterophobia.

I don't even want to post this because it embarrases me.

I'm feeling like a whore and like when I call in to get my STD results on Friday, I pretty well deserve to be pregnant or have herpes or something because I sure haven't been acting in ways in which I would be avoiding such consequences. Oliver, I need you to come teach a refresher course.

le sigh.

Let's Talk About Sex.

2009-10-21T03:53:24Z

I'm experiencing queer withdrawal symptoms and it's making me rageful!
I want to not be questioned for wearing a dress and still telling you that my pronouns are male and that I don't want to get rid of my vagina,
because as it turns out,
she still manages to do some pretty good things for me.
I want there to stop being questions and stop having women who want to make jello out of me and add me to their fruit cake.
I want someone to acknoledge the baby transman who just wants someone to fucking see HIM. As HIM.

I don't want the lesbians and the hypocritical trannys to continue telling me that
I'm giving them a bad reputation.

What I want is to sit in the middle of the college campus where all of the buildings intersect
and talk about
Sex.

Dirty, sexy, unfiltered, orgasmic, innapropriate
Sex.
And get your mind out of the gutter now please, because I'm talking about those words that they put into your everlasting government file during your world premier.

Sex.
Men vs women vs. them, us, we,
and Me.
The she-males. The queens. The pretty boys.
The double-take-don't-make-a-judgement because
you just can't tell.

I want to fuck Sex from behind.
Set up base camp near the ending of the alphabet and protest not being able to get to
Y
or
Z

Set booby traps and booty traps and
little mine bombs that explode every time you spend too much time at any given letter.
Move
Sex
from restriction to a cursive scribble that could be your doctors note saying
"YES. GIVE OUT THE DRUGS."
Sex
becoming the scribble that you hope the pharmicist can read
that you hope the pharmiscist just can't read.

I want to be unreadable.
I want you to have to call back and confirm what I'm really trying to say.

I want to see you close one eye
and squint a little
and paint yourself a picture of what I could be.
Of what I might be.

I want to be a picture of everything that is not.
Of all the scribbles that have created masterpieces of art,
line after line becoming a field of grass that me and my beautiful lover can frolic through and collapse in the middle and have
Sex.

Dirty, filthy, orgasmic, innapropriate, never ending, withouut ever starting jumping into the climax of this story:
the unfiltered
unexescuable
Sex.

I want to make love with him instead of using hir to make love to myself.
I want to let go of this egotistical concept that I've bought into since grade school that
love is something purposfully created
that to find my
"soul mate"
"true happiness"
I should probably start looking now because there are currently over a billion people in this world.

I want to stumble over love.
Find love that goes bump in the night as he's crawling around my kitchen in the dark looking for the peanut butter.

I want a lover that goes with me and on me like peanut butter goes on a salami sandwhich.
Like my mother who put peanut butter on every single item of food until she turned thirteen.

Peanut butter on top of ketchup and mashed potatoes and canned beets.

I want to
find and
create and
fall over and into and through all these layers of peanut butter,
sticking me to places that I don't want to be,
spreading me out on the bread that makes me uncomfortably vulnerable,
and simuntaneosly reminding me that if I
slow down
and sigh
that I'll remember just how sweet and sultry she really is.

Take peanut butter and use it as a sex toy.
Close your eyes while I cover myself in it
and then let's keep count of the number of times you laugh before you are able to get it all off of me.
I lose count after 23.
You claim you never counted in the first place.
Because it all came down to sex.

Sticky, messy, tasty, glorious
Sex.

I am denying you, sex.
I deny your definition,
your meaning
and
your presentation.
I am taking back
Sex
and I am making her mine
and I am making him me
and I am making it real.

And I goddamn hope that you will have to call someone
to confirm that you see what I've really written.

My last minute monologue written for theatre class

2009-04-28T04:43:17Z

Background: Yuliya Marie Konenko meets first born son in a homeless shelter, her as a resident, him as staff. Heavy Russian accent, as she is a firsts generation immigrant.

Demetri? Demetri- it is you! My beautiful boy. I am your mader. I know, I know, you not know you have madre, but I am, and I know it is you. [beat] Vat? Your name Yon? [Jon] Why you take american name that I cannnot say? Yon. Okay. Yon. You not have to believe me. I know, you work with crazy lady all day long, but I know you are my son. And I ask you, please, please yust listen to me. Let me tell you the story. Okay.

[distant] I start at beginning.

My name Yuliya Marie Konenko. I come to America when I have 18 years old. Now, I am, well, I am old enough to know better than to answer that question. You were three years when I leave Russia. And I leave you with Yena. She really is good woman. She raise me too. Very hard but very good woman. And I have chance to go to America, land of free and promises. The man to take me say I can not bring anyone wit me. Yust me. Yena take you in, promise to care to you, and I promise send money and to bring you back wit me. [broken pause as Y. tries not to cry] She not tell you I send money? [struggles] Okay. Okay.

Well. I get to America, and I learn I have wit child. My son, your brahder, Marcus, very good boy. So beautiful. He grow up so strong and go to university and study... trains. He has work very long name. And den, 4 years after, Rosie is born. [exclamation!] What a riot that girl?! She do crazy things. She git it from her mader. She grow up and smoke cigarretes and tell me she in love wit a woman. A woman! I know. Silly tings happen in dis America country. But, Yanette [Jeanette] treat her very good and I like her. Rosie not know how much I love her even wit her, the word lesbian, that right word? Yes.

So, Marcus, and Rosie. And Yanette. You, you have family in da world. And me! I am here. So, my babies grow up and move away. Rosie go to California, where the women love women and the men love men [offhandedly]...strange things... and Marcus, I tink he in Montana. Making trains. [smile] I find out from bastard landlord “Juan” who speak no English. None at all! I say to him, though it not matter at all, but I say, you in America sir. You need learn langauge of america. I not know language very good, but I learning. [growls] and he has bastard woman who he yell at all day and all night. Something about sandwich and telefono. I not know. So, I learn from bastard Juan that even when you are old like me and you have no work as old woman, you still have to give money to him, every month. No break! Well, I yust could not do that, so one day police man (very handsome man too!) come to door and hand me orangecolor paper say that I evict from apartment. It was new word for me, so I ask handsome policeman for help and he give me number for cigarrete shelter. Yeah, yeah, I know it called Harbor Lite, but it sound just like something Rosie would be smoking! That girl. So, I go, and there are 22... yes, 22 woman who sleep in cigarrete building at night, oh, well, you know dis part, you work here. I not know such a place was in this world of America. It like a Yena for more than yust me, and then you. Is that why you work here? You are such a great boy. And I want you to know that I love you so so much.

[reaches forward as if for D's hand]

Beautiful fingers. Strong. And ring? You have woman at home? You treat her right now, yes? Good. Demitri? I know you angry. And you have every right in da world to be angry at me. But I know in your heart you know it is me. Your mader. So please. Demitri. Can you help me?

{END}

ovideater @ 2009-03-31T10:09:00

2009-03-31T15:18:51Z

Sometimes, I guess, I just don't know what to say.

She had already spoken to her husband and kids about it. She told me that if I was willing to take a risk, and to live in a dorm, or go out on a limb and explore all of my options, that if I needed a place to stay during breaks or weekends or holidays or whatever, that I could stay with her and her family. How do you accept kindness from others? How do just listen to the compliments of someone else and not try to justify them all by yelling "I cheated on the terms quiz! Sometimes I skip your class just because I know you won't mind." She told me about how highly she thinks of me. I'm scared that because she only knows parts of my story that if she just knew all of it.... if she just knew how much of a terrible person I am. If she just knew how much Jesus she has shining through her right now. I... can't even sit here and write without crying. I thought about going and ranting this out with Ms. Zollar, but I can already hear her voice in my head. "You are an exteremly special person and Ms. Caine thinks the world of you. Of course she would say that, she has never encountered anyone like you before." I guess, it just is so complicated to think about the idea of other people actually wanting good things to happen to me. Amanda driving me downtown and buying me and lock so that she would know I was safe that night. The Balbo's coming and picking me up at 9 at night so that I could stay at their house, so that I would know that I was safe. Ms Caine, asking her family if I could stay with them. Linda. Aria and Bailey. Zollar.

I guess, I've just never experienced Love Without Strings, and I don't know how to handle it.

ovideater @ 2008-10-27T15:48:00

2008-10-27T20:48:55Z

I like livejournal better live, not dead.

The Rule I broke

2008-10-22T16:05:59Z

I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.
I take responsibility for my safety and the safety of others by not displaying gang colors and symbols and by not bringing weapons, drugs or other contraband into my house.

ovideater @ 2008-10-08T09:34:00

2008-10-08T14:34:50Z

So I've decided I'm moving home.

Tell you all about it soon.

ovideater @ 2008-10-01T13:39:00

2008-10-01T18:44:41Z

Hey y'all.

Just wanted to say hi. Let you know that I really haven't fallen off the face of the earth (except I really have). I'm doing alright. Just got out of the hospital. Turns out a medcaton that I was on causes lactation in high doses, so I had to go change my antipyscotic medicaton. That was fun- well actually it was hell, but you know.

The group home is fine. Don't want to live there, but I don't want to live anywhere else either.

Having knee surgery in a month or so. That's going to suck, but hopefully it will make me better.

That's all the time I have now.

Miss you all (especially my A&B)

Hope you are doing well.

Texting me is the best way to get ahold of me: 612-998-1928

Love always.

ovideater @ 2008-08-13T10:16:00

2008-08-13T15:17:24Z

I got sir'ed on the bus yesterday.

And I wasn't even trying.

And it was kinda fantastic.

I love pronouns. :)

BWCA Wednesday later

2008-08-03T23:49:43Z

"Don't enemy, crow over me. I'm down, but I'm not out. I'm sitting in the dark right now, but God is my light. I can take God's punishing. I deserve it - I sinned. But its not forever. He's on my side and is going to get me out of this. He'll turn on the lights and show me his ways. I'll see the whole picture and how right he is."
Micah 7:8-10

I want "my prayers and hopes to have deep roots in reality."
Philipians 1:7

Wow. This Bible is alive. I've gotta read this more often. I just open up to random pages and I'm engrossed in it all.

Fabulous.

BWCA Monday

2008-08-03T21:44:21Z

Rachel Solberg is PMSing. She's not just a jerk. That completely explains it.

I found a nice spot to sit near the water, leaning against an old tree. I love just the sound of the water gently knocing against the shore and the wind rustling the leaves. Dave is playing the harmonica somewhere off in the distance. It feels lonely.

Today we did a 233 rod portage of death from Canoe Lake to Pine Lake. The portage went straight uphill and straight down and then did that again. A few times it got swampy and we had to walk across a 2x4, one foot over another for 100 feet of so. The entire thing was just ridiculous. Somewhere through it I paused for a moment to catch my breath and I realized that I was shaking uncontrollably. Another time I stopped and was immediately attacked by a hoard of mosquitoes. I verbally cried out "Go away!" and cried a bit more. But I went in with a plan. I knew I would never make it on my own and I needed God to walk with me through it. So I started out all happy and content, asking God to bless this path and my body that is walking it and the food I was carrying. As I went on, I realized more and more that I just needed to feel God walking with me, encouraging me along. There were moments when I cried out to God asking Hir to take and share my yolk because I couldn't go it alone. My endless mantra was "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." I just really needed to believe that. That portage of death is just like life, but in a very physical representation. As we walk through life, we carry huge heavy burdens on our backs, and sometimes on our fronts too when we need to, in the Boundary Waters known as "double packing it". Our burdens are never light, and often, like the food I was carrying, it's necessary to some extent. Things are going great and you feel like you don't need any help and then Bam!- suddenly you are walking uphill. So of course, in addition to all the stressors that you are already carrying - work, the kids, family, school, so on, life has thrown at you this added challenge to fight - sickness, changes, death, car trouble, anything that adds to your weight. You lean on your walking stick or canoe paddle- your partner, your close friend for support to keep you going, and yet you still sigh under all the weight, and that stick can't hold everything. Sometimes we stop to take a breath nd we are so shaken emotionally that we don't know if things will ever return to normal, if I will ever be okay again? But then there is a flat patch in life where day to day is easy enough to manage and everything is okay again. Until you reach the decline, which should be easier than uphill right? But instead we are stepping precariously around the rocks, trying not to trip, stepping around employers, parent, trying not to say the wrong thing. Somewhere along this ever cycling path, God steps in and says "Hey, can I take some of the weight of your shoulders? Let me share the yolk." I know for me its a constant thing that zie reminds me, "whoops, you are trying to do things on your own again, and look how much you are struggling..." And eventually, the hills seem to get smaller cause the Big Guy is in charge of your step-by-step. God is there when I am crying in agony that I just can't do it anymore. Zie's there whispering "Keep on my child." But almost more importantly, Zie's there with every step if you recognize Hir carrying Zie's undeserved side of the yolk, coaching you on at your side. "Just take a step at a time. We've got this together. You are doing so well my child." When you are walking in line with God, each steps seems to get you farther, and you come out of the hills in your life stronger, and having something to share and help others with- even if you are stiill shaking through the end of it.

Sunday BWCA

2008-08-03T21:26:05Z

BWCA Departure Date: Saturday July 26

Ephesians 1:11
"It's in Christ that we find out who wer are and what we are living for... It's in Christ that you, once you heard the truth and believed it, found yourselves home free, signed, sealed, and delivered by the Holy Spirit."

Jason Nygren gave his faith talk this evening. We arrived in the BWCA and came in East Bear Lake, covered Adler and ended on Canoe Lake for tonight. It feels really great to be here. But, I really don't feel like writing, so I'll talk tomorrow during quiet time.

Goodnight Dear Friend,
Veronica

ovideater @ 2008-07-18T23:15:00

2008-07-19T04:15:57Z

People need something or someone to fasten themselves to in order to reassure themselves that they are real.
Ani DiFranco

I need something or someone to fasten myself to.

ovideater @ 2008-07-11T11:42:00

2008-07-11T16:45:07Z

The more I get to know myself, and come to terms with identities, the more I'm not afraid to make a fool of myself.

I went to a hip hop dance class yesterday. I was the only white chic there. I wore a skirt and my super man shirt, and I was rocking out. I felt great, and I'm sure I made a fool of myself, but I participated and I felt good. And I didn't care what anyone else thought about me.

And I felt like a strong, beautiful woman. Those were the exact words that went through my mind at the end of class.

The Big Read

2008-06-27T18:46:31Z

The Big Read thinks the average adult has only read six of the top 100 books they've printed below. Huh. I think I know a lot of un-average adults, and I think it's funny that I'm above the average adult while still being considered a kid.

I've read 35 of them.

01. Look at the list and bold those you have read.
02. Italicise those you intend to read
03. Underline the books you LOVE.
04. Reprint this list in your own LJ so we can try and track down these people who've only read 6 and force books upon them.

001 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
002 The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien
003 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
004 Harry Potter series - JK Rowling
005 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee
006 The Bible
007 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte
008 Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell
009 His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
010 Great Expectations - Charles Dickens
011 Little Women - Louisa M Alcott
012 Tess of the D'Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
013 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller
014 Complete Works of Shakespeare
015 Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier
016 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien
017 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulks
018 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger
019 The Time Traveller's Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
020 Middlemarch - George Eliot
021 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
022 The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald
023 Bleak House - Charles Dickens
024 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
025 The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
026 Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh
027 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
028 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
029 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
030 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
031 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
032 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
033 Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis
034 Emma - Jane Austen
035 Persuasion - Jane Austen
036 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - C.S. Lewis
037 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
038 Captain Corelli's Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
039 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
040 Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne
041 Animal Farm - George Orwell
042 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown
043 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
044 A Prayer for Owen Meany - John Irving
045 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
046 Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery
047 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
048 The Handmaid's Tale - Margaret Atwood
049 Lord of the Flies - William Golding
050 Atonement - Ian McEwan
051 Life of Pi - Yann Martel
052 Dune - Frank Herbert
053 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
054 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
055 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
056 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
057 A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens
058 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
059 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon
060 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
061 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
062 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
063 The Secret History - Donna Tartt
064 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
065 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas
066 On The Road - Jack Kerouac
067 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
068 Bridget Jones' Diary - Helen Fielding
069 Midnight's Children - Salman Rushdie
070 Moby Dick - Herman Melville
071 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens
072 Dracula - Bram Stoker
073 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett
074 Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
075 Ulysses - James Joyce
076 The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
077 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
078 Germinal - Emile Zola
079 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
080 Possession - AS Byatt
081 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens
082 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
083 The Color Purple - Alice Walker
084 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
085 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
086 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
087 Charlotte's Web - EB White
088 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom
089 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
090 The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton
091 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
092 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery
093 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
094 Watership Down - Richard Adams
095 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
096 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
097 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas
098 Hamlet - William Shakespeare
099 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl
100 Les Miserables - Victor Hugo

3 Day Weekend with the Family

2008-06-09T21:25:15Z

I’ve resolved that 3 days concentrated family time requires a make up of 3 months of therapy. Had I forgotten at any time my extreme need to be out of there, it was definitely renewed this weekend.

It didn’t go terribly (I’m still here by the way, storing this entry on my laptop word processor. It’s 9:46 on Sunday night). Had we not been so busy it would have been a lot more stressful. There were errands to run. Floors to sweep and clean and vacuum and sweep again (blessings of a dog). Dishes and beds and rooms and touch ups on paint. It was crazy. But it was wonderfully done. My mom never lost her head and it went flawlessly.

I think today was harder for me than yesterday. The things that needed to be completed were less concrete, especially after the party started. I’m not sure I would make a good host. And it’s hard for me to be around so much family, I’m not sure why. I don’t think I’ve always been that way, but more recently it causes a lot of anxiety in me. This morning I sang with the old ladies in church choir. I wore this nice black skirt of my mother’s and her shoes too. I was feeling pretty snazzy, never once felt self-conscious, I just felt cute. I think I pretty well surprised my mother, even though I shared with her my last big epiphany lj entry. I guess what probably surprised her the most is how much hair I’ve managed to grow. It made her a little bit uncomfortable, and I caught her staring a few times. I just laughed and forced her back into conversation.

I thought I’d be able to get away with wearing the same thing for the party as I wore to church. It was nice, and I looked cute, and it was good. I felt good before people started arriving. And then people started arriving, and I no longer felt as good. Halfway through I did go and put pants on. I almost put my binder back on too. I felt really weird being so unsheltered. It fascinates me that with the people I’m supposed to feel most comfortable, I feel the most scared. Also, the last time I’ve been around that much family was Christmas celebrations. I was out on a visit from the hospital at the time. I still kind of feel the way I did then, mildly crazy and not quite in control of all of my vital life skills.

Holly was here today with one of her friends. Holly is several years older than me, and a cousin (once removed?) or something. She’s one of those people that freak me out because of their personality, but I’m drawn to them as well. I guess she’s pretty well followed my life story through the years, and we’ve been making some similar mistakes. She doesn’t want to see me go down in the same ways she did, and while she isn’t unhappy with the way things are going in her life, she wants more for me. She sounds like my mother. At least Holly hasn’t given up on her dreams like my mother did. Holly is still fighting.

I saw a lot of family today. For the first time I think I realized that my family consists of closeted queers and trailer trash pregnant mothers or impregnators. And they all claim that in this moment they are in love, and they’ve found the one, and they are going to get married (someday), and oh look! Another kid. We celebrated Ryan’s graduation from high school today. He’s the youngest of four boys from a crack head mother. He’s the first of his entire family (including biological parents and siblings and their current and former spouses) to graduate from high school. He even plans on continuing to college. This graduation was a big deal.
And yet, his brothers keep on reproducing. They’ve made nothing for themselves, no name, no money, no real life career, and they are bringing more lives into the world. I have two words for the majority of the party today: Birth control. Have all the sex you want, but please, you aren’t equipped to bring life to this planet. Drug dealing is not a career you want to support your family on.

I think Holly is a lesbian. I just saw it today, and I’m not sure why I haven’t seen it before. I’ve never heard of her having a boyfriend, in all of my life knowing her. Never. I think the female friend she brought along today might have been her girlfriend. It could happen.

I think number one thing that would drive me insane about living her would be the computer, or just my communication with the rest of the world, which is the majority of my existence. I’m not allowed on the computer, especially if I’m chatting (not being allowed to vent is freaking me out a little bit). Any amount of time on the computer is just inappropriate for some reason in Tom’s eyes. (Never mind the fact that both kids spend probably 4 hours between them on the internet playing games) The phone is another issue. Can’t use it without causing problems. And then most of my friends my parents don’t agree with. They appear to like me as a person, they would just rather I be like their other kids and spend 6 hours in front of the television instead of meet people and expand my brain and all that good stuff.

I’m not sure what to tell Jay about me and my gender. Just like I’m not quite sure where to start with Jem and everything. I guess I just want to let Jay know that I’m not his average trans person, and that I will, on occasion, where a dress, or not bind, or something of that nature. If he thinks that would cause problems among the roommate population, then I’ll wait for the single room, if not, then, well, then we don’t have a problem.

Oh, another random problem. I went to pick up my pre-surgery prescription on Friday. My insurance was denied. I’ve been placed on Medical Assistance for the time being, but I should call my insurance company on Monday to get the details. I’m really worried that with the thousand dollar charge for the HIV medication, they just cut me off, and I’m going to be without insurance now. I’m really worried. And then, is this something I’m going to be able to fix, or is my mom going to find out? From me or them? Is my surgery tomorrow going to be covered? These are all questions that I don’t get answers to for awhile, but they still are on my mind.

Songs I'm looking for

2008-06-04T22:25:20Z

If you've got any of these songs in your musical collection, please send them along to my email (firetruck@frozenactivist.net)

Jennifer Knapp "Hold Me Now"
Brandon Heath "I'm Not Who I Was"
Skillet "The Last Night"
Michelle Tumes "Far"
Kirk Frankilin/ Mary J. Blige "Lean on Me"
Monk and Neagle 'The Twenty-First Time" - but really anything by Monk&Neagle (They are so fantastic)

And some lyrics I've fallen in love with:

Nowhere to live, nowhere to fall
He used to have money, but he’s wasted it all.
His face is a photograph burned in my mind,
but I pretend not to see him for the twenty-first time

He sleeps under stars, that’s all he can afford
His blanket’s an old coat he’s had since the war
He stands on the corner of Carter and Vine
But I pretend not to see him for the twenty-first time

He may be a drifter, he’s grown old and gray
But what if he’s Jesus and I walk away?
I say I’m the body and drink of the wine
but I pretend not to see him for the twenty-first time

She’s twenty-nine but she feels forty-eight
She can’t raise three kids on minimum wage
She’s cryin’ in back of the welfare line
but I pretend not to see her for the twenty-first time

She may be a stranger tryin’ to get through the day
but what if it’s Jesus and I walk away?
I say I’m the body and drink of the wine
but I pretend not to see her for the twenty-first time

This is a call for a change in my heart
I realize that I’ve not been doin’ my part
when I needed a Savior, I found it in Him
He gave to me, now I’ll give back to them

Drifter or stranger, father or son
I’ll look for Jesus in every one
’cause I am the body and drink of the wine
and I’m thankful there’s more than the twenty-first time

The Twenty-First Time Lyrics Monk & Neagle Song Words

Single Song Words by Artist / Band : Monk & Neagle
Song Lyrics Title : The Twenty-First Time

Proof that I need to be a music therapist

2008-06-01T23:20:57Z

Bill turned on some music, and Bill and I have scarily similar music tastes. Music is therapeutic. I've known this in my mental health, but I don't know how much I've ever believed that it relieves pain or whatnot. I've been sick to my stomach all day, sitting on the computer in the quiet house. I went from nauseous to having a vaguely upset stomach with the music turned on. This is good.

ovideater @ 2008-06-01T12:27:00

2008-06-01T17:28:31Z

doc was right. this medication makes me sick to my stomach. I wish it didn't. I wish I didn't have to pretend that I wasn't sick and could just be miserable.

Last names I'm looking at

2008-06-01T01:46:14Z

Ronnie Baker
Ronnie Baber
Ronnie Bathurst
Ronnie Collins
Ronnie Eaton
Ronnie Faden
Ronnie Heaton

ovideater @ 2008-05-29T22:05:00

2008-05-30T03:16:58Z

And she asked me if I would have this dance. I stood up and we slowed danced to a fast song with a cripple who thinks she might be a lesbian and might be in love with. Everyone in Starbucks stopped as though put on pause to watch us and we smiled and payed no attention to anyone.

She makes me a cooler person just by knowing her.

ovideater @ 2008-05-27T14:57:00

2008-05-27T19:59:10Z

That didn't feel nearly as good as I was hoping it would.
My violin felt very disconnected from my body, whereas normally when I play it feels like an extension on my body, just a natural beautiful, simple thing.
But it was not.
And I was sad.

ovideater @ 2008-05-25T16:44:00

2008-05-25T21:44:56Z

I HATE u.s. government. Just in case I hadn't told you that yet.

That class fucking sucks.

Cookies for mike

2008-05-25T00:31:11Z

by eHow Food & Drink Editor

Make Sugar Cookies

Sugar cookies are perfect for rolling out, cutting out in various shapes, and decorating. This recipe makes about 3 dozen cookies and be given as gifts to friends and family. Here are a few easy steps to have you enjoying sugar cookies in no time.

Difficulty: Easy

Steps

Step One

Combine the flour, salt and baking powder. Do not sift.

Step Two

Beat the butter until creamy, then add the sugar, vanilla and lemon extract and beat for 1 minute.

Step Three

Click to enlarge

Beat in the egg and yolk.

Step Four

Stir in the flour mixture only until incorporated. Stop stirring the instant the dough is uniform.

Step Five

Form into a log, wrap in plastic wrap, and chill for at least 2 hours.

Step Six

Heat oven to 350 degrees F.

Step Seven

Click to enlarge

Divide the dough and roll it out between two sheets of wax paper; make your cutouts. Only work with a little at a time. Keep the rest in the refrigerator to stay chilled.

Step Eight

Decorate the tops of the cookies with colored sugar, sprinkles, candies and other foods that won't melt in the oven.

Step Nine

Place the cookies on a nonstick baking sheet and cook for 10 minutes, or until they just start to turn golden around the edges. If cookies turn golden before 10 minutes have passed, lower the oven temperature.

Tips & Warnings

Be sure not to skip the chilling step. This dough needs to be cold, cold, cold.
The longer the cooking time, the crisper the cookie will be.
Pure lemon oil, squeezed from the zest and available in many gourmet markets, is an excellent substitute for the lemon extract. It's better, actually, but more expensive and harder to find.

ovideater @ 2008-05-18T08:48:00

2008-05-18T13:49:38Z

And I quote:
"If you don't laugh during sex, you are doing it wrong."

Finding Pieces of Myself

Boys

Let's Talk About Sex.

My last minute monologue written for theatre class

ovideater @ 2009-03-31T10:09:00

ovideater @ 2008-10-27T15:48:00

The Rule I broke

ovideater @ 2008-10-08T09:34:00

ovideater @ 2008-10-01T13:39:00

ovideater @ 2008-08-13T10:16:00

BWCA Wednesday later

BWCA Monday

Sunday BWCA

ovideater @ 2008-07-18T23:15:00

ovideater @ 2008-07-11T11:42:00

The Big Read

3 Day Weekend with the Family

Songs I'm looking for

Proof that I need to be a music therapist

ovideater @ 2008-06-01T12:27:00

Last names I'm looking at

ovideater @ 2008-05-29T22:05:00

ovideater @ 2008-05-27T14:57:00

ovideater @ 2008-05-25T16:44:00

Cookies for mike

How to Make Sugar Cookies

Introduction

Instructions

Steps

Step One

Step Two

Step Three

Step Four

Step Five

Step Six

Step Seven

Step Eight

Step Nine

Tips & Warnings

Overall Things You'll Need

ovideater @ 2008-05-18T08:48:00